so much has happened...

I know it has been since October when I last wrote, but a lot of things in my life have happened turning everything upside down. :( I know its Christmas time so I don't want to damper the mood too much, but I just feel I need to write some of this out and get maybe a bit more closure, if possible?

Back in the beginning of November I came down with a really bad case of Pneumonia. I started feeling dizzy and nauseous at work one day and the next day it hit me. I didn't know it was Pneumonia at the time, but within a few days I thought I was going to die, so we went to an urgent care. My temp was 104 by that time and I was borderline being admitted to the hospital. Of course being in the field that I am, there is no way in hell I'm going to be admitted into the hospital and then get sicker there. If I am coherent, I am not going to a hospital... so I was given some pretty strong antibiotics and sent home. I really felt so horrible. I couldn't lie flat because I couldn't get a full breath into my lungs. I had a dry cough, which gave me laryngitis, nevermind the fact that I just felt really really horrible. I was out of work for about a week and a half for that.

Finally I go back to work and within the next few days I find out that my ex-boyfriend (and still best friend) Mike, had passed away. I was the last person to talk to him the night before he died and everything was fine? Mike was a 30 year old Pharmacist for CostCo. in Ft. Myers. In the weeks prior to his death, he and I had spoken just about everyday, and really were able to talk a lot more than normal. He had been dealing with some reflux issues, so I'm not sure if that is what eventually caused the death? (we are still waiting on final autopsy and toxicology results to come back).

In the days following his death, I immediately booked a flight to Ft. Myers to be there for our friends and his family. I've known him for a long time and spent a few years with him living together so we were extremely close. It is nice to know that even after a relationship is finished that you can maintain and actually grow into a healthier, more stable friendship following a breakup. We had an understanding and loved each other very much and made sure we told each other that. He was always there for me and my entire family. I can never thank him enough for that.

That week was definitely the worst week I've ever had to deal with up until now. Even after losing my grandmother a few months back, that was more "acceptable", not ok, but acceptable, because she was MUCH older and had been suffering with cancer for so long. We couldn't keep her around for selfish reasons anymore. She needed to "rest". But when you get someone who is just in their prime and wasn't even able to complete everything he wanted to, sometimes it just doesn't make any sense??

The funeral was good and bad. Seeing his family was the hardest thing that I've had to face. His beautiful mother was so upset and it was so difficult for me to hold back the emotion at that point. He has such a strong, supportive family. I love them all so much. His mom, dad, grandmother and two wonderful brothers were all there, among many other people in his family. Michael was loved soooo much. When I saw his brother Joe, that was when it all really hit me. His younger brother Joe lived with us a few years ago and he and Mike were very very close these past couple years. I can't imagine what it is like in dealing with this for them... I know how hard it is for me, so I can't imagine for them.

I'm looking forward to be able to visit them in the next month or two in Florida. Mimi and I will be hopefully taking a few days to go to Florida to have a rest break. I also feel like I need to be there with/for his family because they are still my family also. They mean so much to me and I love them very much. So I'm really excited to be able to see them soon.

Since Mikes death its been pretty difficult to get back on my feet mentally. I'm trying to move past it and my friends/family have been very helpful with that. Mimi has been nothing but support and I love her very much for that. She is there for me no matter what I it has definitely been something I've needed more than she realizes.

I've had so many issues in the last month it is unreal... Last week I got food poisoning from either spinach or lettuce that I had at a restaurant. Then this week I felt like I was getting sick and now I've finally come down with a full blown sinus infection. My immune system is not back up to strength yet since the Pneumonia and being exposed to so many sick people at work just makes me keep getting sick. I need to quit that job and find something non-medical immediately... I wish I knew what to do and where to go??


My gymnasts have been a mess and stressing me out. One fell the other day on a simple skill on bars "squat on" sort of skill and ended up landing on her head after the fall. Another broke her 5th metatarsal in two places during a tumbling pass she's done hundreds of times. I've got another gymnast who is dealing with major back problems... and another coming back from a hyerextended elbow. Our meet season starts in 2.5 weeks and I barely have a team. Its so frustrating after putting your heart and soul into these girls and have them get hurt on stupid things... Its left me very upset and disappointed lately.

Now tomorrow is Christmas. Do I feel like celebrating Christmas? No... Its hard to be so cheery when things have pretty much sucked recently. I will be going over to my sisters house and my mom is going to cook a small meal. Then I have to pick Mimi up at the airport at 5.30pm. I couldn't go with her to Michigan to see the family because I was off work such much in the past two months. It would have been impossible. At this point I'm glad I didn't go because I would have been miserable because I'm sick now.

On a more positive note, we have all become more serious about bowling recently. Mimi, our friend Cheyne, and I have all really been practicing. My high score is now 176. I'll get that 200 soon. When I can start getting 200 on a regular, consistent basis, then I'll get on a league. Its fun and definitely keeps me distracted, which I need.

Well I hope everyone has a great Christmas. Please remember what is the most important thing out there on holidays. Remember your family and friends that mean the most to you. You might not have them tomorrow.... God Bless...

Amanda

Ahhh... I miss gymnastics! :)

Hi everyone!

I was just thinking about how much I really miss doing gymnastics. I absolutely love my job as an optional coach... Sometimes, well a lot of the time, my girls drive me crazy.... but only because I want them to do so well and put 110% into everything they do. I have so many girls that could go so far if they just really put their heart and soul into every single day. It can be difficult to watch them when I see so much potential that is not always being used. Lately some have been kicking ass and others have been folding under the pressure of meet season coming up. I'm praying that they all really get their act together so we can have a great meet season and go to Regionals this year in Chattanooga, TN!! :)

For some reason the other day I got this motivation to try to do some vaults... so today I went in and did some vaulting. I'm at 160 lbs and used to compete around the 120 range. So 40 more pounds is a biiiiig difference, although I can say I'm a hell of a lot stronger now. I broke my ankle on a vault called a "Cuervo" and for the first time I attempted those today since March 8th, 1997... that was the last real day I got to train and compete. So it was pretty weird that I could even do it again! It was a huge adrenaline rush. I did those and a few piked tsuks. I'm going to post a video of my Tsuk... its not perfect, but not THAT bad for being 27 and still throwing this stuff! haha. :)


Our first meet is the same weekend as the NPC Bodybuilding Nationals, so we will not be in Dallas attending that show. It is the weekend of Nov 17th-18th. I'm pretty excited to get this meet done with and see what obvious things we need to fix/change and how well they do. The girls have season that goes until the end of April/beginning of May if they qualify to Regionals. It'll be a long few months, but well worth it.

Otherwise, things are going great. Mimi is busy as ever! Work is going great for her. Training for both of us is excellent. She kills herself in the gym everyday. She's always so motivated to train. lol. I'm killing myself with the cardio everyday. I'm beginning to get into the groove of it now. Been going every morning at 5.30am with my friend Katie. It's early, but makes for a great start to the day. :)

We're going to Florida in less than a week! woohoooo! I've got a few people I really want to see while I'm there. I'm definitely going to stop by and see Denise Masino. I'm so excited to see her again. I miss her very much. It was so nice living in the same town for so long... I'm also going to stop and see my old coach, Lisa, and check out her gym for a while and of course I have to see one of my closest/long time friends (and ex-boss) Molly, who works at the hospital. I can't wait! Plus our anniversary is Friday there so it'll be a blast. Nevermind the fact that we're both getting our hair done by Carlos on Thursday morning! yaaay! Mine is getting cut (A LOT) and colored. I'm so excited. We leave in 6 days. yessssssss.

Tomorrow and Sunday I'm working PT. ugh. Its going well but I'm getting burned out, slightly. I'm not motivated to do that job, although I don't mind it, I just don't love it. I LOVE coaching.... I wish I felt that way about PT, but I just don't. It's great for $$ and benefits though. Very important.

Alright everyone. I better get going. It's 11.30pm and I want to spend some time with Mimi before bed. I've gotta get up early in the a.m. for cardio. Fun, Fun!

xoxo,
Amanda

I'm back! :)

Hi everyone. I know it has been a long time and I do apologize for that. We've been doing so much lately and I just haven't had the time or energy to update anything. Well last month Mimi and I went to Michigan to visit her family and had a blast. We stayed there almost a week and it was definitely a much needed trip to see the fam. :)

I've been spending a lot of time coaching my girls and having a blast doing it. We have our first meet in about 6 weeks. We're hosting the meet at our new gym so it should be fun. Right now I have 3 level 8's and 2 level 7's competing. This will be a big year for these girls. We are trying to figure out which out of state meet we're going to go to this coming year, so I'll keep everyone posted. We're debating on the Arnold in Ohio or one of the big meets in Florida.

Recently we joined a new gym down the road. We're training at LA Fitness so we could get a little more of a variety with training and cardio. I love it so far. I've been doing a lot of rowing on a rowing machine they have there. It's so much fun. I've been getting up at 5am and going to the gym for cardio/training prior to work at 7.30am. My friend Katie (a coach and aspiring fitness competitor) has been coming with us occasionally to train/cardio.

I watched a bit of the Olympia this weekend and wasn't totally motivated by it... I try to watch these shows and derive a bit of motivation from it, but it sucks when not much is being shown that appeals to you. Ugh. I will say that Sarah Dunlap has come a long way and I'm very happy for how she presented herself at the Olympia. She really did so well and its also nice to see some younger women really showing the femininity in the sport. It's nice to see that rarity right now.

What did impress me otherwise was the fitness athletes. Adela and Jenny are always great... Oksana Grishina really is a huge standout performer that just doesn't get what she deserves up there. Hopefully she'll start placing a little bit higher soon enough. She has so much talent, especially with her gymnastics history...

Next month Mimi and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary! Yay! We will be going on a 4 day vacation to Florida to celebrate this. :) We're both pretty excited. Its a much needed time away for us. We are both so busy with work lately, it'll be perfect. Nothing like the beach and some nice weather for a few days!!!

Well I better get going. Going to go watch some tv with Mimi...

Take care everyone.

Amanda

Saturday....

A lot has happened over this past week, so much more than I can really get out on this blog. I stayed home from work on Thursday because I really thought that Thursday would be the day... Wednesday night my grandmother was having a lot of difficulty with her breathing and still wasn't able to break the temperature she had. Her temp had been staying at 102 the entire time she was in hospice. They kept giving her Tylenol but it was only keeping it at 102 and not letting it elevate any higher.

It's so hard to remember the chain of events over most of these days because it all happened so fast and most of it without much sleep or ability to think very clearly. Wednesday we stayed until after 12am with my grandmother and then I returned to the hospice facility at 7am on Thursday to sit with her until my mom was able to get there. I left before noon that day to rest and get ready to coach that night.

Mimi and I returned to sit with my grandmother after gymnastics practice on Thursday and when I arrived I couldn't believe what I saw... she was in so much pain I was completely shocked. It was infuriating... With every breath she took she was moaning so loudly you could hear it in the hallway. This is while in a coma! So.. you know she was in extreme pain if she is continually making noises, especially while having a grimace on her face, etc. She was having severe side effects from the morphine dose she was on. At that point she was on 6mg of morphine through the port she had in her chest. The side effects included exactly what I have seen so many times on my Parkinson's patients. She was having Tremors/muscle twitches every second... I am not exaggerating that either. At least one (if not two) bodypart's were moving every single second and with that twitch she'd moan because they'd be very strong and forceful movements. She was also getting continuous hiccups (deep hiccups... the ones that hurt) and with every hiccup she'd moan). These would last for 30 mins-1 hr... It was horrible.

At this point I was so irritated because nothing was being done. I flipped out. I called Mike (he was very close to my grandmother and for those of you who do not know, he is a Pharmacist and did all her meds for years). I called him and discussed with him what could be causing all of this and how can we correct it and make her more comfortable. We spoke about this and he informed me that the high level of Morphine was in fact causing these uncontrollable twitches. He made his recommendation on what needed to be fixed and I went to the nurse to find out exactly what she was on.

While at the nurses station there were two nurses sitting there. One was extremely helpful and the other was completely rude. One looked up her meds while I had Mike on the phone. She'd tell me what the medication and dose was and I'd relay that to him. He was shocked she wasn't on anything to relax her and reduce the muscle twitches and hiccups. I couldn't believe what was going on and had to speak to the 2nd nurse (the rude one) and get her to call the physician. I told her our recommendations for medications, she gave me an attitude about how the dr makes the last decision on what a patient needs to be on and I told her to call the doctor because I wanted this taken care of IMMEDIATELY.

I went back to my grandmothers room, sat in there for a minute and then the rude nurse, Carolyn, walked in. She said the doctor was on the phone and that she wanted me to speak to her and not have the nurse speak to her. I said fine, I'd prefer if she'd call Mike, but the nurse wouldn't have that. So I had Mike on my cell phone in one ear and the doctor on the other phone in the other ear. I told the doctor what was going on and told her what we thought needed to happen. We made suggestions of medications and she was VERY willing to give my grandmother whatever she needed in order to make her comfortable. The doctor was excellent at that point. So after speaking to her she decided to give my grandmother 1mg of Ativan (in place of Valium because they couldn't get it there quick enough, it wasn't in stock at the facility) and increase the Morphine dose to 10mg every 15 mins and a 6mg Bolus dose for breakthrough pain. We'd watch her for 30 mins after the Ativan dose and if it wasn't better they'd give her another 1mg of Ativan.

No kidding, within 5 minutes every muscle twitch she had, all the moaning, any grimaces she had going on were ALL GONE! She was completely comfortable. We watched her for the entire 30 mins and she was PERFECT. NO pain or issues with comfort. About an hr after that she started getting hiccups again. They lasted for approx 30 minutes, and then the moaning started again... We went to the nurses and told them she needed another dose of Ativan. They gave it to her and we left to go home because we knew she was fine then. By that time it was after 1am.

The next morning I had to get up early for a doctors appt. After the appt I went back to sit with my grandmother. I walked in and noticed her breathing was significantly increased (22 respirations/min)... her resp rate before was only 8-10... It was EXTREMELY shallow breathing, most of the air not even going into her lungs. She was still on 3L O2. I felt her hands and feet and they were VERY cold and blue. Her face was pale... I called my mom and told her she needed to get there. The nurse told me within 24 hrs that would be it. My mom drove from Hiram to Marietta, a good 50 minute drive, in way less time than that. My sister, Stacey, and her baby, Amiyah, got there before my mom and spent some time with my grandmother.

This was probably around 12.30pm? We hung out for a while then decided at probably 1.25pm or so that we all wanted to go get some food. I was hungry, but not really THAT hungry. Something was just telling me we needed to go now. I'm not sure WHY I left, but I felt it was time to go? My sister did the same thing and went down the road to Zaxby's to get food from there as well. At 1.35pm, my mom was sitting by my grandmothers side holding Amiyah and my grandmother took her last breath. It wasn't anything painful. My mom just said she took a breath and my mom waited for another one and it just wasn't there!? She said it was very peaceful and no pain. My mom then called me and told me to come back because my grandmother was gone. My sister left her cell phone at the Hospice facility when she went to get food(which she never leaves anywhere without it) so my mom couldn't call her. Interesting side note was that my sisters receipt for food was for 1.35pm, the exact time my grandmother passed.

When the phone rang and it was my mom calling me after I left I knew what it was going to be. I felt it before I left and just didn't say anything. My grandmother wanted my mom to be there for when she died and not have all of us there with all the commotion. She wanted it to be just those two together. I knew that immediately. It all made sense at that point. My grandmother always wanted undivided attention from my mom, so that is how she left! :) I'm very happy about that. It was one of the hardest things for my mom to ever have to go through, but I am glad she was there to be with my grandmother when she died.

We went back and saw her before we decided to go home and she was very peaceful in bed. You can tell she passed and was not in any pain. My grandmother suffered for many years dealing with this cancer and I know in my heart she is in a much better place. I am very happy she doesn't have to deal with the pain anymore and it would be selfish for me to want to have her back. It wasn't fair for her to have to life like that anymore.

Right now I am praying for my mom to be strong and pull through this. I care about her very much and wouldn't want anything to happen to her. She has had to face many fears over the past week in order to (I believe) make her a stronger person. She has done everything she could to help my grandmother and has always done everything she could for us kids to make our lives the best it possibly could and act as both parents because of my father not being there for us. I just hope she realizes how much she is valued in our family and how she needs to be strong and continue being a great parent and let this make her into a stronger person.

Through all of the things that has happened in the past week I do want to thank Mimi for being such an amazing person in my life. She was there for me (and my family) the entire time and was such a great support system through this. My grandmother absolutely loved her and supported her in every way possible. She was there for my grandmother as much as she could and prayed for/with us during this. That meant a lot to me and I cannot thank her enough for that. She is really such an amazing woman and I am so happy I have her in my life. I love and value her so much. She absolutely completes me.

Sorry for such a long post.... I did want to give the update on everything. I'll keep everyone posted as I know more information. There will be a memorial service in Ft. Myers/Cape Coral sometime in the near future, but I do not know dates for that yet. I will probably be unable to go though...

Be safe everyone.

Love,
Amanda

quick update

I've only got a minute to update everyone as it is really late and I'm not sure how I still have my eyes open at this point. The last 2 days have gone by so quick... I wanted to update you all on my grandmothers situation. She was recently transferred to a Hospice facility due to her status changing extremely quickly at home. My mom was contacted yesterday by the nurses telling her to hurry up and get there because they weren't sure how long she was going to make it... I hurried up and got there as well. Everyone was able to say their goodbyes, although she is unable to speak or open her eyes, I do think she knew we were there. She was able to occassionally squeeze our hand on command and move her eyebrows when we told her who was on the phone wanting to talk to her. So I'm very happy she got to speak to a lot of people prior to getting worse.

She is now unresponsive... I'm unsure if she is really hearing me or not. She has been in a lot of pain and the dr's were able to bump up her morphine dose to keep her comfortable. Thank God... She looked like she was in less pain tonight, but it is difficult to tell when they are in a comatose state. I saw a lot less grimacing though, so that was a relief.

I decided to leave her at 12.30am and come home in order to shower and sleep a bit. I felt horrible leaving because she is there alone. My mom had to go home and sleep too. It is really wearing on everyone at this point... There are no monitors on her so she is alone in her room unable to push the nurses call button if she were to need it. So without the monitors I'm really nervous to be home, but I have to trust God with this and know he will take care of her. I'm going to go back in the morning to see how she is doing. When we left her pulse was around 80bpm... respirations were between 8-10 per minute... Not sure about her O2 sats, as they didn't test that her or blood pressure while I was there tonight.

I'll keep everyone posted as this progresses. Please keep my grandmother in your thoughts and prayers... she's too young for all of this, but definitely is ready for some peace and the ability to not have to deal with pain anymore. So hopefully she'll be ready to relax and be with the Lord soon.

Have a good night everyone. Be safe.
xoxo,
Amanda

updates

Sorry I haven't been around as much lately everyone. So much has been going on in my life. To start, Mimi and I are doing great. I'm so glad we decided to not do the Atlantic City. With everything happening in our lives lately, it would have been just too much stress.

To start, my grandmother who I had mentioned a couple years ago was fighting colon cancer, has moved from Florida to Georgia to live with my mom. She hasn't been feeling well recently and had an emergency visit to the ER last week due to severe pain. Now after all the tests results are back, we see that her cancer has spread and it is now throughout her body... From her lungs, liver, up her spine, etc... She was given approx 6 months to live as of the other day. Meds have been changed to make her comfortable, so hopefully they are working enough to make things somewhat tolerable. Things aren't good over there on that front, but I do pray for my grandmother because she is young and it is definitely before her time... She's lived a pretty full life so far. She continued working full time up until a few months ago and prior to that she was waitressing and working another job. Not sure how you work even a full time job in your 70s!? Pretty impressive! Hopefully her family (kids/ex-husband/grandkids) all get to see her before anything happens. I know that would mean a lot to her.

Otherwise on a happier note... work is going well. Both jobs actually. I have now become the head coach for my Optional Team, so I'm excited about that. I'm in the process of researching some out of state meets for next year. I'm pretty excited! I'll keep everyone posted once something has become official... My girls have really made some serious progress over the past few months. I'm so proud of them. They're now doing a lot of level 9 skills even though it is just their first year competing level 8! Yay! Things are really good.

Therapy is going well. My patients have been excellent lately. I really work in a great environment.. everyone is so nice, so it makes work something that I do not MIND going to everyday. :)

Not much else going on. I've gotta work today at Physical Therapy at 7.30am... probably until 2pm'ish at the latest. Not bad. I like to get in early so I can get out early. Makes for a good weekend. :)

Alright everyone. I better get going. I have to get to work... I hope everyone reading this is doing ok.

xoxo,
Amanda

fun at the gym!

We're making progress from Monday when the last video clip was taken! Katie stood up her doubleback with an 8" mat in the pit! Excellent! Check it out!



The grand opening is today at Cobb Gymnastics. I'm not sure if I'm gonna go, but probably will try to stop by for a bit. It is at 2.30pm I think?

Work went really well yesterday. Physical Therapy goes by so quick each day because I'm so busy there. By the time I look at the clock, its already lunch time... I love it! Gymnastics was good yesterday, aside from a few odd crashes. I'm a bit sore from spotting yesterday, but overall it went well.

I'm in the process of looking through the meets to decide which ones to go to this year? I'd love to go back to Gasparilla, which is a HUGE meet in Tampa, but I'm not sure what the plan is... I know we are going to Flip Fest in TN and that is a great meet as well. I have a feeling we'll be going to South Carolina for Regionals, so that might be another fun trip. :)

Today should be a nice relaxing day. I'm off from coaching and therapy. I have to train a client at 10am, then we are going to go to lunch at the Indian Hills Country Club. It'll be my first time going there. I hear its great though.

Is anyone watching "So You Think You Can Dance"???? What was up with them booting off Jessie last night!? I'm totally disappointed by that... Ugh. I love that show, but definitely miss the personalities and talent of Benji, Donyelle, and Travis from last year... I hope these people grow on me like last years did!

Other than that, not much going on. Next week I'm off from the gym all week. They have a week off every year the first week in July. It'll be a nice time to unwind a bit.

Can't wait for the weekend! Plenty of time to spend with Mimi! :) Yaaaay! We're going to be getting our "unfinished" basement, finished this coming week! I'm soooooooooooo excited! Woohooooo!

Gotta get ready to train my client!
xoxoxo
Amanda